Thailand: "Men Who Change Diapers Change the World!"

Staffing the HUG Your Baby table at ILCA 2013

This blog was written by Jan's husband, Jim Henderson, Ph.D.

Two days after I retired from Carolina Friends School, Jan and I left Durham on our current year of international travel and service. Her HUG Your Baby presentations in Asia Pacific have been better received than we dared to hope. In the process we have met many remarkable people (some of them newborns!) and have made new friends who are mostly midwives, nurses, and lactation consultants.

As we travel I’m finding more ways to be involved with HUG Your Baby work. Besides serving as Jan’s editor, researcher, videographer, roadie, cheerleader and confidante—as I’ve done for years—other avenues are opening up for me in and through the HUG world.

Trying to coax a Thai gong to sing

Music and learning, seasoned by a dash of sports and exercise, are the enduring interests of my adult life. Becoming a good husband and father remains the major source of my adult identity. My growing involvement with HUG Your Baby builds on all these passions.

As I think about the possibilities of “retired” life, I’m excited about devoting more time to music. Of course I will continue refining and marketing Ariel’s Way ; I believe in the value of this show. 

"Dad's Got The HUG": Teaching about the role of fathers.

But when I get back home I also plan to play more saxophone than ever before. Musical collaborations with friends will become easier to schedule and prioritize in “retirement” (which Don Wells suggests is best understood as “rewirement”). On our current trip, working on the HUGs Around the World Lullabies project has been great fun for Jan and me, and that work is going to take some time to complete when we get home. 

The musical styles of the lullabies that Jan and I conceive reflect our experience of the cultures we visit, and the lyrics we write clothe HUG concepts in the imagery of places we’ve come to know. With Tony Bowman’s capable help, this first lullaby is NOW ready to share. (Click Here to hear and see images of The HUG Hawaiian Lullaby.) The second one—the Australian Lullaby—is gearing up for production. Japanese, Korean, Balinese, and Malay lullabies are sketched out, and Jan and I have a good approach in mind for a Thai lullaby.

Unexpected experiences at a Japanese midwifery school's lab

Music is my life’s chief creative outlet, but education has been my primary professional focus. Reflecting on my life as an educator during our travels, I’ve become increasingly interested in helping men prepare for fatherhood. The birth of our two sons—and the ways I grew as a person through my years as a parent—stand out as the most defining experiences of my entire life. I want to help other fathers (and fathers-to-be) negotiate the passage to parenthood that has meant so much to me.

“Dad’s Got The HUG” is the rubric under which I’ve begun to collect and present ideas about fathering. Recently I’ve been teaching a piece of The HUG’s all-day trainings, highlighting the role of fathers.  

Giving a HUG on a Malaysian city bus

Reviewing fatherhood research as we travel, I’ve discovered some great resources and programs in the English-speaking world. In America, the National Fatherhood Initiative is one.

Among the many books I’ve seen, one of the best is TheBaby Owner’s Manual. Written by father-and-son team, Dr. Louis Borgenicht and Joe Borgenicht, it elaborates a humorous comparison between babies and cars. Another good book, practical in a different sort of way, is The Fathers-To-Be Handbook by Patrick Houser, an American living in the UK. Pat cites interesting research showing that simply giving future fathers time to reflect on what kind of dad they want to be increases both their satisfaction with fatherhood and their skills as parents.

A bloke with a "bub" enjoys a beer and a good book in Australia.

In Australia I’ve gotten some great ideas from Lucy Perry’s entertaining “Beer + Bubs” program. Lucy’s model has midwives meet in a pub with small groups of men who are getting ready to become dads. Her book, Cheers to Childbirth (available through the Beer + Bubs website) is another excellent resource.  

CLICK HERE to see an interview I recently did with Ron Hastie, the male midwife who teaches the Beer + Bubs sessions in Hobart, Tasmania. Ron worked for years as a brick mason and a bartender before becoming a “delivery man” for babies later in his adult life.

Teaching in Thailand

In addition to “Beer and Bubs,” other outstanding Australian programs for fathers include Western Australia's Ngala, the Fathering Project  based at the University of Western Australia, and the University of Newcastle’s Family Action Centre.  CLICK HERE for the Engaging Fathers report recently commissioned by the government of South Australia.

Doing a voiceover for the UNC Family
Medicine Resident Physician HUG training

Dawson and Sharon Cooke’s FamilyWorks in Perth, Australia, is an excellent model of how to apply research on fathering in hands-on sessions with parents.

Jan has a very funny photo of her mentor, Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, holding up a bumper sticker that says, “Men who change diapers change the world.” If I can play a small part in changing the world—one dad, one green or yellow or brown poop at a time—I’m hoping to find, in years to come, a meaningful way to “rewire” (rather than “retire”) my skills as an educator.

Dr. T. Berry Brazelton, Jan's greatest teacher and mentor
about newborns, also advocates for social change.

New Certified HUG Teacher Gives DADs The HUG!

Laura Knisley, IBCLC is an experienced lactation consultant in Lynchburg, Ohio. She has spent many years helping a brand new baby get to the breast, encouraging a first-time mother, and preparing a new mom and dad for the trip home as new parents. But, becoming a Certified HUG Teacher has enhanced and broadened her view of how she works with such families. Here is the story she shares.

The first week of breastfeeding is a team sport. Of course, the breastfeeding team includes Mom and baby.  However, we often overlook another important team member -- Dad.
Jeff was wide-eyed during our breastfeeding class, taking it all in. His wife Rachel was pregnant with their first child and due in a week. Jeff watched the videos on skin to skin right after birth and practiced positioning and latching with the breast models and baby dolls--something dads can shy away from. He really perked up when introduced to HUG Your Baby and concepts on how to calm and to observe a newborn “Zones.”  He asked lots of questions, so many that Rachel seemed a bit embarrassed.

A few days later I ran into Jeff in the hall on the mother baby unit.  As a new dad, he looked exhausted but happy. “Rachel had gone into labor last night but ended up having a C-section for fetal distress,” he explained. He related the details of the evening leading up to delivery and, of course, pulled out his cell phone and showed me a picture of their new baby, Kaleb. I smiled and commented on the fact that he was holding Kaleb skin to skin in the recovery room. Jeff beamed, “Yeah, I did skin to skin just like you recommended when Rachel came out of surgery. When I saw that Kaleb was in the ‘Ready Zone,’ I handed him to his mom and watched him wiggle down to her nipple and latch right on.” He then showed me a picture of his baby boy snuggled up to his mom’s nipple and exclaimed, “Check out that latch!” 

Later Rachel reminded me how invaluable dads are to the success of breastfeeding. She explained how exhausted she was after labor and a C-section. “I had forgotten that babies sleep so much and was struggling to wake Kaleb up to nurse. Jeff reminded me to watch for the Ready Zone, and it really worked!” she beamed.  “He is also an expert on that HUG sway which calms Kaleb down and helps him wake up to eat.” She shook her head and smiled, “If it weren’t for Jeff, I would have given up on breastfeeding.”

Father celebrates The HUG!

Certified HUG Teacher, Pam Diamond, shares an important story about a new dad.  

I wanted to share my recent HUG experience. I'm working with new parents of a one-week-old little boy. I started on day three and showed them the HUG video as part of my newborn education. In my experience, the fathers respond so positively to it--I think because it's very clear and specific and shows concrete examples. That was certainly this family's response. Today, day six, the dad pulled me aside to tell me how much the video helped him. He citted specifically: 
1) holding the baby's hands against his body to calm him; 2) how to wake him up from sleep and get him to the Ready Zone (see photo); 3) learning that baby may not be able to do too many things at one time so, for instance, he may need to be swaddled if he's having a hard time "playing"; 4) playing with his baby by having him track him as dad moved his head slowly from side to side. 
Dad had such great things to say about the information! Besides the content, he also appreciated that the video was only 20 minutes long and arranged so that he could stop at a point and come back and watch later if needed.


Pam's story connects so well with the work of Roland Warren, who spoke recently at the national conference for Parents As Teachers. Roland's theme was that fathers JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT TO DO!!  (See this Blog Story.)

"Don't fumble the baby!" - PAT host Roland Warren - A Crusader for the Role of Fatherhood

Like many professionals, I have sat through my share of conference presentations.  If a satisfying lunch is served during the "lunchtime keynote," the presentation can be deemed successful. It is not often that I lay down my fork as I did this weekend, so as not to miss a word from the mouth of  a speaker.

Thursday  Roland Warren from the National Fatherhood Initiative shared heart-felt and feet-to-the-ground advice and vision for professionals serving today's young families. "Through Roland's leadership, the [National Fatherhood Initiative] has quickly become the most-quoted authority on fatherhood and the nation's #1 provider of fatherhood resources to communities, schools, prisons, hospitals, businesses, the military, and communities of faith" (Huffington Post).

Like all great speakers, Roland shares personally from his life.  He describes growing up without a father and becoming a child with "a hole in my heart in the shape of a father." With great warmth, humor and insight he tells story after story of the years he spent evolving into the role of an effective dad.

The audience laughs when he described "standing in the corner" awaiting the birth of his child. "And, then someone put the baby is my hands as if I would know what to do next." Next, he offers a story of coming home one snowy day with his wife and baby. After helping his wife to the house, he returned to carry his baby over treacherous terrain to the safety of home. But, with a twinkle in his eye and frequent use of  his refrain, "I'm just saying . . .," Roland describes hitting the black ice and setting sail, baby in his arms, into the air. Time, of course, slowed down at this moment, as his life passed before his eyes. As he headed south toward the hard earth, he heard the wisdom of years of football coaching offering the only fathering skill set he then possessed: "Don't fumble the baby!" -- and he didn't!

Roland was quick to remind an audience of over 800 women that men need a different kind of education than most women want. "Don't tell me how to FEEL about being a dad, just tell me what TO DO!" Many men are accustomed to the teaching style of a good coach. "Hold it here, turn it slowly, watch for a twitch, listen for a change in breathing." Skills -- that's what dads want.

I was delighted to hear Roland's call for skill-building, for this is exactly what HUG Your Baby offers parents. The HUG DVD is rich with images of dads and moms, from numerous cultures, learning to understand the secret language of their newborns --and to gain the skills they need to be successful parents. Dads who are taught The HUG learn techniques for calming a fussy baby, identifying sleep cycles, responding to an over-stimulated newborn, and positioning a baby for interacting and playing. Before long, a dad and his child will be playing ball together. Exposed to HUG coaching, a dad who has succeeded in not "fumbling the baby!" can hang on, and soon score a touchdown as a new parent!

"I didn't know my baby was a REAL person," the young dad says.

My friend teaches a wonderful childbirth education classes but ask me to cover "The Newborn" one evening while she is out of town. Though this class has traditionally been used to teach how to diaper a baby or give a bath, I decide to take a different approach.

"Tonight we will discuss learning to read your baby's body language.   You might say we're gonna learn to talk Baby Talk!" I say as I turn on The HUG Your Baby DVD. "Let's learn about three newborn Zones (Resting, Ready, & Rebooting Zone) and a newborn’s SOSs (Signs of Over-Stimulation)."

We watch the video showing a baby in that amazing Ready Zone.
 Her eyes are bright, she looks attentive and ready to eat or play. Another baby demonstrates the all-too-familiar Rebooting Zone when we see baby's arms get jerky, his breathing increase and his face squeeze into that crying mode. As we look at the baby in the Resting Zone, one dad contributes to this light-hearted class, "Looks like me after Thanksgiving dinner!"

Together we then watch as a baby sends out an SOS- Sign of Over-Stimulation. Little Caleb on the video shows us those Body SOSs as the nurse plays with him. He gets a bit red in color,  his movement gets jerky and he starts to tremor, and his breathing gets faster. "I would have worried that he was having some kind of meltdown, " the young father-to-be offers. He seems relieved when he sees how the baby calms down when the nurse holds his hands against his chest, swaddles him and quietens her voice.

The expectant moms and dads are surprised by the Behavioral SOSs: Spacing Out, Switching Off and Shutting Down. One Dad-to-be reflects on this behavior, "That kid is just like me. My wife says I 'Switch Off' like that!"

Amazed at how much a baby can communicate, another dad sums it up by exclaiming, “I never knew babies were REAL PEOPLE!”  This young father goes on to explain how he had worried about spoiling his baby. "But, now I see that I can understand that my baby is just 'talking to me'. That's not spoiling him. It's just being a good dad!"

I am curious to see if this view of the infant as a REAL person, ready and able to communicate, might spark questions about how birthing choices effect that baby. I review information on natural oxytocin and adrenaline and its influences on the newborn's ability to be alert at birth. We then consider the impact of birthing interventions on the newborn. I suddenly see a sparkle in the eyes of one pregnant woman. "I can't wait to get to know my baby! I want to do all I can to help her come into this world ready to communicate with me!"

This evening I experience the magic of childbirth education. Tonight several young couples understand that one's choices about giving birth are in fact a choice about parenting. Including information of reading a baby's body language in a childbirth education class helps these parents take a big step toward being the good moms and dads they want to be!

© HUG Your Baby 2016

7 Ways Dads Can Bond With Their Baby That Don’t Involve A Bottle

The Natural Parenting Tips Blog has some great ideas...

"One of the arguments I hear from so many moms as to why they have to give up breastfeeding, is that Dad feels left out. As my other half mentioned in another post, the one thing that Dads have no real place in, is breastfeeding. There are so many other ways to bond with your baby, that feeding is a moot point. And really Mom’s job.

1. Bath your baby. Better still, bath with your baby. Co-Bathing and showering saves water, and gives you some lovely skin to skin bonding time.
2. Massage your baby. You can learn infant massage from a certified instructor, or from a DVD. Massaging your baby is soothing for both of you, and really beneficial for your tot.
3. Wear your baby – Baby wearing isn’t just for moms. Babies like the sound of Dad’s heartbeat too. Invest in a good quality baby carrier (Such as an Ergo) and enjoy the benefits as your baby sleeps, observes, and snuggles in nice and close.

Read More from this lovely blog...

Postpartum depression in DAD!

Fred works at a local insurance company. He is a good employee: shows up on time, is punctual with his reports, courteous to his customers, and kind to the staff. Lately, however, he "keeps to himself," and likes his door closed when he has a stack of forms to complete. Recently there have been a few lay-offs at his company; Fred is determined to "stay below the radar."

Fred's wife, Jessie, is expecting their first child, and the pregnancy is going well.

But midway into his wife's pregnancy, life has gotten tense around the house. Fred is a bit hyper. He is quick to criticize Jessie if dinner isn't ready by the time he gets home, he spends more time in front of the TV with an extra beer, and he reports that he is too tired to make his customary morning trip to the gym. Instead, Fred has made an uncharacteristic number of trips to the doctor these past few month for an ache or pain here, indigestion, and headaches. While he seems exhausted in the evening, he tosses and turns at night. Jessie often finds him dozing on the couch when she gets up in the morning.

Like 7% of men in the United States, Fred is suffering from depression. However, he doesn't "look depressed." He has no crying spells and his mood is not slowed down. On the contrary, he is revved up a notch or two. Fred remembers being "kinda blue" for a semester or two in college and reports that his mother was treated for depression years ago.

Fred needs help...for the sake of his well being...for the sake of his marriage...and, ultimately, for the sake of his baby.

A recent study by the American Psychiatric Association confirms the increasing incidence and importance of postpartum depression in dads. APA President says, "The life changes for a new dad are enormous. Just thinking about the costs of raising the kid to 21, maybe for life, can be terrifying. And all the unspoken fears: Will my wife still be as interested in me? Will my baby be as cute as my brother's baby?" "Moreover, male postpartum depression may have more negative effects on some aspects of a child's development than its female counterpart," says James F. Paulson, PhD. A dad's depression during his wife's pregnancy is a significant risk factor for her postpartum depression.

Furthermore, a new study in Pediatrics confirms that depression in dads is linked to increased crying in their newborns. Does dad's depression cause more tension in the home and less responsiveness to the baby, or is it the other way around? No one yet knows.

Fred's brother notices that Fred is "just not right." After considerable support and encouragement, Fred finds a doctor who has experience treating depression in men. A few weeks after treatment begins, Fred finds his was back to the gym, opens his office door at work, and is back to patting his wife's growing tummy. Fred thankfully feels like hemself again and is ready now to be the dad he wants to be.

A Tug-of-War between Mom and Dad!

Eight-day-old Tabitha is calm at the beginning of her visit with me, but as I undress her she starts to rev up. At first her hands shake, then her chin trembles and her face gets red. Her face now "clouds over" as she stares out into space. (See SOS "Sign of Over-Stimulation.) When I persist with undressing her, she starts to cry. I lean over Tabitha and softly call out her name. "Tabitha can you calm yourself down?" The baby clearly hesitates a moment when she hears my voice but then starts to cry again.

I finish the undressing and lay her back down on the table to listen to her heart sounds. She clouds over again when the stethoscope touches her chest, and once again begins again to cry. Dad scoops her up in his arms just as Mom mimics my earlier action by leaning forward to softly call her baby's name. I am witnessing one of the lovely adventures of early parenthood, the tug-of-war between parents who both are wanting so passionately to bond for their new baby.

Remembering what he learned about the "Rebooting Zone," Dad rocks her a moment which clearly comforts the baby. Mom presses on with her insistent, soft, sing-songly voice. Dad finally sighs with a smile as he hands the baby carefully over to his wife's arms. "Mom always has that magic touch."

Today's fathers are often (and preferably) involved in the decision to plan a baby, participate in the OB visit, help select the baby's new doctor, and often attend the well baby visits. Expectant parents anticipate that they will feel some competition with the mother-in-law who arrives at the child's birth, the older sister who stays a week to help out, or the doula who shows up for a shift or two. But as new parents they do not expect to feel competition between one another as they strive to care for their baby.

Research on new parenthood suggest that this competition is normal and, in fact, can fuel the attachment process of a parent to his/her child. However, if these feelings are not understood and appreciated for what they contribute to the developing parent-child relationship, such competition can undermine the parent's relationship with one another.

"I love to see you both working so hard to get to know and to care for your new baby," I say. "Some new parents even confess to a little competition with each other during the first few days of their baby's life."

Dad jokingly "complains" that "Mom has the breast which always trump what I can do!" But Mom quickly explains that "But Dad can swaddle and comfort Tabitha like nobody else!" Knowing this struggle is normal and healthy can actually bring couples closer together in these first precious days.

Babies quickly learn to attach to both parents and by their behavior "say" I know the difference between mom and Dad. How lucky is any newborn whose parents finds themselves in this tug-of-war (with themselves and each other) to be the best parent they can each be!

Read other articles on understanding and care of babies.
Discover DVD and newsletters for new parents.
© HUG Your Baby 2009

A Soldier Helps New Fathers!

I admit I was suspicious when I saw that a man was listed as a speaker at the "Art of Breastfeeding" conference. He is not only a Certified Nurse Midwife but also a lactation consultant! And he does it all for the US Army.

Maj. Jarold Johnston was an inspiration as he described his philosophy and the techniques he uses to get dads-to-be to participate fully in the breastfeeding experience. "Sometimes it helps that I'm a soldier. I just tell the dads: 'Moms have a job, babies have a job, and dads have a job too. Get on with it!'"

Maj. Johnston believes that his job as a breastfeeding expert is to teach dads to be the in-home expert. ( See Getting Baby to the 'Ready Zone' to eat.) "Dads have a good vantage point. The new mom is looking down at her breast and the baby, but the dad can see the mom's nipple, the baby's chin, the baby's cheeks from the side, the bottom, or the top - whatever it takes." "Most Army guys are mechanically inclined," he explains. "They like the challenge of figuring out the mechanics of what's working or not."

Mothers love the help. Dads might get good at changing diapers, but a "breastfeeding dad" has more important things to do! "Besides," Major Johnston says, "I tell them the truth - a successful breastfeeding mom resumes sexual activity quicker than do bottle-feeding moms...Yep - even the 82nd Airborne is on board now!"

Being a Work-at-Home Dad!

"Dad just makes him laugh," Mom reports. And sure enough...the boy bursts out in a big smile when his tall, athletic dad swoops down to pick him up. Mom beams as she watches "her favorite men" enjoy one another. Though born a few weeks early, Noah is now a vigorous, all-ready-for-life nine-month-old!

Noah's situation is especially special. Dad is a work-at-home dad and is the primary daytime caregiver for this energetic, rambunctious fellow. This family is already demonstrating some of the positive impacts of a dad at home with his baby. I savor the energy, love, and joy of being in the same room with this young family.

As Mom, Dad, and I laugh at Noah's funny efforts to get his dad's attention, I'm inspired to share with these parents recent research which looks at the impact of a father's regular, caregiving involovement with his baby.

Work by Dr. Kyle Pruett is especially salient in elucidating this remarkable impact. [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kyle_Pruett] A ten-year study shows that children who have been cared for primarily by fathers are active, vigorous, robust, and thriving. They function above normal, particularly in areas of problem solving and social adaptation. These kids are attracted to stimulation and are eager to engage with the world around them. They also expect their intense, curious, and sometimes challenging behavior to be tolerated by adults. Earlier studies showed that such babies performed better on developmental tests and were more resilient in the face of stressful life situations.

As expected, Noah cries after his nine-month-old shots. Mom scoops him up with a tender and loving embrace while I hear Dad say, "Oh, big man, be tough. You're ok!" After a hug and a kiss from Mom, Noah reaches out to his dad, who tosses him halfway to the ceiling. Noak cackles with glee. His mom and I can't help but cackle too! [see "Moms and Dads Can Be Really Different!" - blog on January 21, 2008]

A Worried Dad Finds Relief

Howard is the Dad of two-month-old JT and he has lots of questions. As I mentioned in the last two blogs ( Feb.5th and 7th) Howard has many worries as well.

Reseaarch by M Sills, S.Shetterly, et al (http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/cgi/content/full/119/4/e829) confirm that depression in even one parent increases visits to the primary care provider and ER and reduces well-child visits (especially with the older children). When patients are "frequent fliers" as we call them in our practice, consider depresion in either the mother or father.

Now my "rule of three" kicks in. When Howard ask his third question I stop trying to reassure Howard. Instead I say, "I can see you love you baby so much that you want only to do what's best for him." Acknowledging his list of questions as an expression of Dad's love seems to slow down the questions. Howard takes a deep breath, smiles, and admits to being a "bit worried about the baby." Now we are talking about his real worries not the symptoms of his concern.

Dr. T. Berry Brazelton would describe this approach as the Touchpoint's technique of "acknowledge the parent's passion." In this case this acknowledgement opens the door so now we can discuss the difference between everday worries and anxious depression. (It surprises men to learn that research shows that spouses can have hormone changes during their wife's pregnancy and that these changes can contribute to his depression as they do in the woman.)

Howard describes his new job responsibilites and the extra time he now must spend away from home. Research shows that many new fathers worry deeply about the strain on time and money that new parenthood creates.

Next, I set up a specific time to call Howard weekly for the next three weeks and set up a followup visit in a few weeks. Knowing that I will contact he and his wife seems to harness his worries and decrease his calls to me. I suggest he jot down any worries so we can be sure to discuss them at the phone call or visit.

At the following visit I discuss the concept of anxious depression a bit more and ask about Howard's personal and family history of depression. In addition, I ask about alcohol use since this can contribute to or cause depression at any time in a patient's life. Howard promises to go back on his exercise program and cut back on his caffiene. He agrees to accept a little more help from family and friends and he his wife plan a time to go out to dinner on a well-deserved "date night."

Howard's history and symptoms were significant enough to put him on an antidepressant. After three weeks Howard said "I feel like myself again." By JT's four-month-visit Howard, his son, and wife are much better. Howard brags about his son's new trick of rolling over, and laughs when JT swats at Howard's nose. Howard is back, more able to be present with his son and to find joy in these precious moments. Likewise, I'm back on track as their provider. Addressing the cause rather than the symptoms allow me to feel more compassion and be more able to use my skills and knowledge to help these parents be the parents they want to be.

Moms and Dads Can Be Really Different!

Terry is an energetic, seventeen-year-old dad. He is the quarterback and a senior at the local high school and comes to the office today with his girlfriend, Diane, and Eric, their three-week-old son.

Terry holds his son like a football then places him enthusiastically on the exam table for his check-up. Diane laughs as Terry starts to poke at his son. First he pokes at his feet, then his knees, then his stomach, then his nose. Eric starts to breathe a bit faster and his feet start to look jerky. His eyes spring wide open, his eye brows rise, and his shoulders go up toward his ears. "I'm ready for you, Dad!" his body seems to say.

Dad steps back from the exam table as Mom reaches over to undress Eric for his exam. As she moves toward the baby, Eric's eyes start to look drowsy and his body relaxes. His movement slows down and his breathing quiets and becomes regular.

Though certainly there are differences in individual parents and babies, Eric demonstrates what research now shows, that dads and moms approach babies differently. Even fathers with childcare experience often approach a baby with big, enthusiastic movements. Their very presence seems to stimulate the newborn, as if to get baby ready for the big world out there.

The more stereotypical mother's approach is quieter, one that seems to calm the baby rather than stimulate him even more.

Babies benefit from both approaches as they grow and learn, suggests psychologist Kyle Pruett. They may learn to regulate their internal stimulation from one parent, and learn to deal with external excitement from another. See Pruett's Fatherneed: Why Father Care Is as Essential as Mother Care for Your Child. http://www.drkylepruett.com/publications.htm

Most mothers and fathers experience some conflict as they struggle to love their baby in the best way they can. It's the lucky baby whose parents approach this struggle with passion and humor as they each become the parents they were meant to be.

A Soldier is Birthing Babies...and Getting Dads on Duty!

I admit I was suspicious when I saw that a man was listed as a speaker at the "Art of Breastfeeding" conference. He is not only a Certified Nurse Midwife but also a lactation consultant! And he does it all for the US Army.

Maj. Jarold Johnston was an inspiration as he described his philosophy and the techniques he uses to get dads-to-be to participate fully in the breastfeeding experience. "Sometimes it helps that I'm a soldier. I just tell the dads: 'Moms have a job, babies have a job, and dads have a job too. Get on with it!'"

Maj. Johnston believes that his job as a breastfeeding expert is to teach dads to be the in-home expert. "Dads have a good vantage point. The new mom is looking down at her breast and the baby, but the dad can see the mom's nipple, the baby's chin, the baby's cheeks from the side, the bottom, or the top - whatever it takes." "Most Army guys are mechanically inclined," he explains. "They like the challenge of figuring out the mechanics of what's working or not."

Mothers love the help. Dads might get good at changing diapers, but a "breastfeeding dad" has more important things to do! "Besides," Major Johnston says, "I tell them the truth - a successful breastfeeding mom resumes sexual activity quicker than do bottle-feeding moms...Yep - even the 82nd Airborne is on board now!"

Have You Noticed? Dads and Moms Interact Differently with Their Babies!

Terry is an energetic, seventeen-year-old dad. He is the quarterback and a senior at the local high school and comes to the office today with his girlfriend, Diane, and Eric, their three-week-old son.

Terry remembers what he learned on The HUG DVD. He holds his son like a football then places him enthusiastically on the exam table for his check-up. Diane laughs as Terry starts to poke at his son. First he pokes at his feet, then his knees, then his stomach, then his nose. Eric starts to breathe a bit faster and his feet start to look jerky. His eyes spring wide open, his eye brows rise, and his shoulders go up toward his ears. "I'm ready for you, Dad!" his body seems to say.

Dad steps back from the exam table as Mom reaches over to undress Eric for his exam. As she moves toward the baby, Eric's eyes start to look drowsy and his body relaxes. His movement slows down and his breathing quiets and becomes regular.

Though certainly their are differences in individual parents and babies, Eric demonstrates what research now shows, that dads and moms approach babies differently. Even fathers with childcare experience often approach a baby with big, enthusiastic movements. Their very presence seems to stimulate the newborn, as if to get baby ready for the big world out there.

The more stereotypical mother's approach is quieter, one that seems to calm the baby rather than stimulate him even more.

Babies benefit from both approaches as they grow and learn, suggests psychologist Kyle Pruett. They may learn to regulate their internal stimulation from one parent, and learn to deal with external excitement from another. (Fatherneed: Why Father Care Is as Essential as Mother Care for Your Child.) Most mothers and fathers experience some conflict as they struggle to love their baby in the best way they can. It's the lucky baby whose parents approach this struggle with passion and humor as they each become the parents they were meant to be.

(Read more sotries about new babies and their parents!)

"I'll Play with my Baby when He can Catch a Ball!"

That's what Jerry, the husband of 28 year-old Elizabeth, said one afternoon at their first pre-natal visit. "All the baby does is eat and sleep that first year anyway, " Jerry explains.

Jerry is not alone in this view of a newborn. A study by Zero-to-Three asked new parents "at what age do you think babies can 'take in the world?" 61% of parents thought that a baby needed to be two- to three-months-old to notice the world around them.

The real truth is good news for you, Jerry (and for Elizabeth too!). Most babies can "play ball" (and actively engage in the world around them) as the tiniest of newborns. But parents need to notice a baby's special ways of approaching this ball game. (See DVD on playing with your newborn.)

Now, at the young family's first post-natal check-up, Jerry holds his newborn, Joey, and gazes intently into his eyes. I almost have to pry little Joey from his daddy's arms. In addition to the routine physical exam, I always love to take time to help parents appreciate some of the amazing capabilities of their baby.

As I hold Joey in front of me his eyes fix on mine. I slowly tilt my head to the side; Joey's eyes follow. As I move a bit more to the left, his eyes drop from my gaze. I hesitate a moment, and then he engages with me again. I'm not worried when I see his eyes jerk a bit as they move. (It will be a few weeks before they move continuously like grown-up's eyes.) "Wow!" Jerry says. "He can really pay attention!"

Then I pick up my little red ball. Joey stares at the ball differently than when he looked at my face It is normal for many babies to be more interested in a face, initially, than in an object. But I just jiggle the ball a second and Joey's eyes start to follow it as I slowly move it. When Joey starts to wiggle around, and his breathing increases, I recognize an SOS (Sign of Over-Stimulation). I hold his little hands gently against his chest, and his eyes immediately look intently at the ball again. Now he follows its movement from one side to the other.

"Yep! Like I thought," Jerry declares to all. "He's a star ball player already! It's my turn to play ball with him now!"

Read other articles on understanding and care of babies.
Discover DVD and newsletters for new parents.
© HUG Your Baby 2009