"Will I be a Good Mother?"

They are very round!

That’s what I always think when I’m teaching my class, “Understanding Your Newborn,” to twenty very pregnant ladies and their husbands. It’s such a fun class. Parents-to-be are very motivated. They absorb information like sponges .

Mary Lou, a 32 years-old, is expecting her first baby. She had an appointment to see me right after the class. She came to hear about our well-child program and how I could care for her baby when he came.

Though relieved to know that this support was available, Mary Lou still looked troubled. She asked, “One more question: Should I wake the baby up to eat at night, or should I let her sleep?” Mary Lou went on to explain that she had read about the importance of making sure a newborn eats every three hours. “But my friend dressed me down. She has two babies and said, ‘You never wake up a sleeping baby.’ How am I supposed to know what do do?”

Mary Lou looked on the verge of tears. Her strong feelings seemed to be bigger than the question she was asking. Then I “GOT IT!” Mary’s words were actually saying: “Don’t your see? I am worried I won’t be a good mom, maybe not even a good enough mom!”

All new mothers worry that they are not ready for the job. But some worry can actually be the fuel to energize new parents to figure out how to be the parent they need and want to be. Feelings of insecurity are just part of the job description! “Your question, Mary Lou, tells me just what a great mom you will be. You already care so deeply about your baby and only want to do what’s best.” I go on to explain that together we will watch her baby and learn from him what will work best. “Your baby will be your greatest teacher!”

As I prepare to go home this evening, I marvel again that I’m actually paid to do this job! What a joy it is to support people at this important and vulnerable time in their lives. I remind myself again that often my job is not to answer parents' questions but to help them discover the answers themselves. By this process, new parents will discover their own strengths--and learn to trust their own eyes, their own hearts, and their own minds as they grow to understand and care for their newborn!

A Soldier Helps New Fathers!

I admit I was suspicious when I saw that a man was listed as a speaker at the "Art of Breastfeeding" conference. He is not only a Certified Nurse Midwife but also a lactation consultant! And he does it all for the US Army.

Maj. Jarold Johnston was an inspiration as he described his philosophy and the techniques he uses to get dads-to-be to participate fully in the breastfeeding experience. "Sometimes it helps that I'm a soldier. I just tell the dads: 'Moms have a job, babies have a job, and dads have a job too. Get on with it!'"

Maj. Johnston believes that his job as a breastfeeding expert is to teach dads to be the in-home expert. ( See Getting Baby to the 'Ready Zone' to eat.) "Dads have a good vantage point. The new mom is looking down at her breast and the baby, but the dad can see the mom's nipple, the baby's chin, the baby's cheeks from the side, the bottom, or the top - whatever it takes." "Most Army guys are mechanically inclined," he explains. "They like the challenge of figuring out the mechanics of what's working or not."

Mothers love the help. Dads might get good at changing diapers, but a "breastfeeding dad" has more important things to do! "Besides," Major Johnston says, "I tell them the truth - a successful breastfeeding mom resumes sexual activity quicker than do bottle-feeding moms...Yep - even the 82nd Airborne is on board now!"

For Crying out loud!

Tonya remembers the images she had of what it would be like to be a mom: the glow of a soft nightlight, the smell of baby lotion, the feel of a warm cuddle, and the sound of gentle cooing. She did not imagine the glare of bright lights as she searches for the "butt cream," the smell of the diaper pail she was too tired to empty, the feeling of full breasts, or the endless (or so it seems!) crying of her baby.

All babies cry, and maybe you've discovered that most new mommies cry as well! Crying is communication. Newborns begin to increase their amount of crying at around two weeks of age, and the time they spend crying peaks by six weeks. Colic is defined as crying for more than three hours a day, for at least three days a week, for at least three weeks. That's a lot of tears! Though the cause of colic is still not understood, recent research shows that smoking during pregnancy increases the risk of colic. (http://www.erikson.edu/media.asp?file=releasefussy)

Jamal is an intense, robust young fellow. When he cries, he is serious about it! He flails around and won't put up with swaddling. After being fed and changed, he is calmed only by a vigourous sway. He likes the swing, and he's fond of a car ride, a stroll around the block, or dancing with Dad. It takes a lot of stimulation to keep him calm.

On the other hand, Reggie seems especially sensitive to the world around him. A loud sound or even the movement of a diaper change rattles him. He needs to suck his paci and close his eyes (as if to shut out the whole world!) before he can calm down. His parents discover that swaddling and holding his hands against his chest help him. Being carried in a baby sling or cuddling on the couch with Mom helps too.

Parents struggle to learn what works best for their baby. Research (by Bell and Ainsworth) shows that when mothers give an early and more nurturing response to their crying babies during the first year of their lives, those babies criy less the second year of their life. Their mother's prompt response seems to increase attachment and to enhance the child's sense of security.

Though crying is a challenge for all parents, for some it triggers a frightening reaction. Mothers experiencing post-partum depression, parents lacking good social support, and all families struggling with substance abuse issues are at risk for letting their feelings fly out of control. These parents need special help.

Ask for help: a neighbor to stroll the baby while you take a quick nap, a huband or friend to take the baby to the store for some diapers while you soak in the tub, a grandma to show you what trick worked best when you were a baby. (See http://www.hugyourbaby.com/calming.html) Soon you will be able to tell his tired, from his mad, from his hungry cry-- and know what works best for your baby, and for you.

"He's Looking for his REAL Mommie!"

Susan looked at her baby lying in her husband's lap. Instead of that overwhelming sense of joy she expected, she instead felt fear, apprehension, that deep down worry that "I am over my head here." Susan's baby was born two weeks ago and Susan, the adopting mother, and her husband were in the delivery room.

Sammie was born full-term, robust, and healthy by all accounts. But whenever Susan would hold and talk to her newborn, he would turn his head and look the other way.

"I think he is looking for his real Mommie!" Susan confesses in tears during this first well baby check-up.

Susan is a first-time mother who comes to motherhood through the long and turbulent road of infertility, disappointment, and ultimately (and thankfully) to adoption. Her feelings of insecurity are normal, but unfortunately, her interpretation of her baby's behavior is mistaken.

Sammie is not "looking for his real Mommie." He is instead demonstrating a normal newborn behavioral SOS (Sign of Over-Stimulation) called "Switching Off." (See SOS on video clip.) Some babies who are slightly over-stimulated may actually turn away from an enthusiastic mother's talking face. This ability to "Switch Off" is actually a sign of Sammie's amazing ability to keep himself from being over-stimulated. He looks away from Mom for a second to keep himself calm.

Susan is startled to see on The HUG DVD that "Switching Off" is a sign of Sammie's competence, NOT his rejection of her mothering. She is encouraged to stop speaking to Sammie for a few seconds if he "Switches Off." Right there in the exam room Susan practices this advice. When she stops speaking and just looks at Sammie, he holds her gaze. In this moment of mutual sharing a new step toward bonding to one another occurs. Susan now knows that Sammie IS looking at his REAL Mommy--right now!

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