"She Believes in ME More than I Do in Myself"

Rosa Lee is depressed. She intended to go to cosmetology school next year "...to make something of myself." Now she is unexpectedly pregnant--and hopeless about her future. Her best friend, Alisha, took the train with Rosa Lee to her first prenatal visit.

Alisha is her oldest friend. They graduated from high school together about the time Alisha had become pregnant. Rosa Lee remembers her own mother declaring that "Nothing good will come of Alisha" when she heard about the pregnancy. But lots of good things have come Alisha's way, and Rosa Lee is proud of her best friend.

Early in her pregnancy Alisha was enrolled in a special program for young, expectant women. She had come to know Ms. Jacobs, a public health nurse with the the Nurse-Family Partnership Program. (http://www.nursefamilypartnership.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home) Ms. Jacobs visited Alisha at her house throughout her pregnancy and after the baby was born.

Alisha said Ms. Jacobs and she chatted about the expected: taking her vitamins, using no alcohol, and watching for signs of early labor. But there was always something more to talk about. Ms. Jacobs would ask about Alisha's hopes for her child, where she wanted her child to go to school, and how to negotiate some help from the baby's daddy. They talked about how to stop verbal abuse in the household and how to talk about her real feelings with her boyfriend. After the baby was born, Ms. Jacobs continued to visit. Alisha learned how babies talk with their bodies, how some crying is normal, and how to help a baby learn to sleep at night. They worked on a childcare plan that would enable Alisha to attend night school at the local community college. "Sometimes Ms. Jacobs would see "Me" better than I could see myself!" Alisha remarked.

Alisha helped Rosa Lee sign up for the same program. In a brochure Rosa Lee read that moms in this program succeeded in surprising ways. The pamphlet said that these moms had longer intervals between the birth of their first and their second child, spent less time on welfare and using food stamps, and got along better with the baby's daddy. It even said these kids did better in school later in life. Rosa Lee loved hearing that!

Rosa Lee felt the baby kick for the first time last week. Being a mom seems more real to her now. She tells Alisha that "You and my nurse seem to think I'll be a good mom... and I'm beginning to believe that myself!"

http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/cgi/content/abstract/120/4/e832?etoc

Making Music with Babies

Dianne held her baby and swayed back and forth. She hesitated, moved, bounced, and wiggled as she listened to the music. No one watching would ever have imagined that music was playing. Dianne called herself “musically disabled” and I guess Erin agreed.

Erin teaches Baby Beethoven Classes and has weekly classes filled with energetic new moms who want to offer only the best to their babies. (www.welcome.to/erinpianostudio) They listen to music, learn songs for children, and discover toys and games from all over the world of music.

Mothers vary in their reasons for coming to class. Some love the company of other moms; others love music and can’t wait to have it be a part of their baby’s life. Some, like Dianne, hope that her “bad ear” has not been inherited by her daughter!

Lovely research has been done on a baby’s ability to hear. According to the results of a small UK study, children recognize and prefer music they were exposed to in the womb for at least a year after they are born. Most newborns will turn in the direction of sound, and by four months of age will reach for a musical toy even with the lights off. Newborns prefer music over noise. By six months they show a preference for music with common chords over uncommon ones. 2005 research from Cornell University showed that six-month-old babies could appreciate subtle variations in complex rhythm patterns of Balkan folkdance tunes as easily as can adult Bulgarian and Macedonian immigrants. Babies appreciate the feelings behind music too, as demonstrated by research with 6- to 10-month-olds who showed different responses to “sad” versus “happy” music.

Experts recommend the obvious: Sing and play music for a baby even in utero, make music a part of everyday life, clap baby’s hands to simple songs, and dance along.

Dianne has got the right idea. Making music a fun part of her daughter’s life will certainly enrich the life her daughter lives. "Maybe I'll even learn to dance on beat!" she laughs as she swirls her little one around the room.

Making a Difference - One Baby at a Time

Tara, the public health nurse, arrived for her first home visit with Sherri, a brand new mom. Sherri is 21 years old, lives with her parents, and is a new single mom. Her baby was born full term and healthy. Sherri claims to "know nothing about babies" but glows with that enthusiasm (and rush of adrenalin) mother nature bestows on new parents.

Tara glances down at her forms from the health department. Wow, there is so much that could be covered at this important first visit. Do you have enough oil for your furnace? Do you know about back-to-sleep? Did you start your birth control pills? Did you know that babies can see your face? Tara's head spins as she wonders where to start.

Last week Tara completed The HUG continuing education class at her health department and is excited to integrate this information into her already busy schedule. She remembers that the teacher, Jan, said, "If you ever feel confused about what to do next, just See and Share." Jan explained that Seeing the baby's behavior and Sharing that behavior with parents can create an important connection with new parents.

But first, Tara must "See". She worked hard at the workshop to gain new knowledge and skills in observing and interacting with newborns. She glances over at Sherri's son, Freddie, and remarks, "Oh, I see he's in the Ready Zone. He looks ready to play with us."

Tara's right. Freddie's eyes are bright, his body is rather still, and his breathing is calm and regular. As his mother reaches for her Diet Coke, Freddie follows her with his eyes.

"Oh, I see that he is watching you right now," Tara exclaims. Sherri notices what Tara means and quickly joins the game. She tilts her head slowly in the other direction, and Freddie tracks right after her. "You nosey little man!" Sherri laughs as she picks up her son.

About that time Tara notices Freddie start to change. His eyes drift down, away from his mother's face, and he gets a bit pale. His chin tremors and his body stiffens a bit. "Oh, do you think I've bored him already?" Sherri asks.

But Tara is quick to remember what she just learned from class. "Oh, no," she gently explains. "Freddie is just showing a little SOS, or Sign of Over-Stimulation. That's really normal for new babies. Hey, let's swaddle him a minute and see what happens."

Sherri had become an expert on swaddling in the hospital, so she confidently wraps her little one up. She is surprised to see that in this swaddled position, Freddie is able to look back toward his mother; he even turns in her direction when she whispers his name.

"Wow, you're so smart! I'm going to take take super-good care of you!" she giggles. Sherri cuddles her baby as Tara covers a few of the important questions on her form. Seeing and Sharing this baby's behavior created that kind of teachable moment that every nurse longs for!

The Tug-of-War for Adopting Parents

A mother of a newly adopted baby shares this heart-touching response to the blog "A Tug-of-War between Mom and Dad" see:

"My husband and I are experiencing this tug-of-war with our newly adopted 3-month-old son. Seeing his mother with our son really sent me through the roof because it's her first grandchild, and she is really going overboard with it all -- my parents are cool and just go with the flow of it, while his mother is trying so hard to "mark" him as her grandson. However, I didn't expect for there to be competition between my husband and me. Of course things were exacerbated with his mother's visit, and since he was able to take off more time to be with our new son than I was, I feel like our son's face really lights up when he hears his dad's voice or sees him. Everyone says he does the same with me, but I see an extra sparkle when dad's around. We even fight over who gets to push the stroller because that person will get the direct eye contact. My husband is definitely a stroller hog. Sounds pathetic, right?!?"

The normal tug-of-war between newly adopting parents sometimes may be more intense than with birth parents -- and for very good reasons. Pregnancy not only allows a fetus to develop but also allows time for a parent to develop! As the body expands, the view of oneself as a parent can grow. Adopting parents do not have the advantage of nine months of parental gestation.

Most adopting parents have conceived and lost a baby a number of times before a successful adoption occurs. Perhaps the loss was an actual miscarriage. Or, perhaps the loss was the hope that "this month will be it" -- only to see a period two weeks later. By the time the process of adoption unfolds, some couples have learned to hold back on their hopes for fear of being hurt yet again. It often is not until their baby is safe in their arms, that adopting parents permit themselves to begin the process of seeing themselves as parents.

Not only may adopting parents begin parenting without time to discover their parent self, they may also enter parenthood with significant grief not far behind.

Adopting parents may be surprised to sense some sadness lurking below the surface of their joy. Once they finally have a baby, they may feel that it is inappropriate to acknowledge the sadness they endured in order to get the baby they now hold so dearly. But a friend, a health care provider, or a counsellor may help such parents move forward by briefly recognizing what occurred before this beautiful, new baby actually arrived. A father may have never shared his sense of loss in hopes of protecting his wife from further sadness. A wife may be tired of the depression which followed her losses. The couple may need a special nudge to recognize these feelings now.

In addition, these parents, like all new parents, now must deal with the surprising reality of parenthood. Though most new parents are ambivalent about any negative feelings around life with their new baby, adpoting parents may feel even more guilty expressing how tired and irritated they may be feeling these days.

I sit in the room with a mother and father in just this situation. I compliment the couple on the loving way they hold and speak to their new baby, and then I ask them to tell me about their experiences over the past few years. We chat about the details of their losses as well as the great joy and relief they now feel. As each detail is shared, I sense a cloud lifting from over these young parents. Mom tears up one last time, remembering the sad days she has experienced. Then she snuggles into the soft neck of her baby as dad give his wife a gentle hug.

With the sadness they have known acknowledged and behind them, these parents jump "gung ho" into this current tug-of-war. I love to hear their story of fighting over who gets to push the stroller! "Draw straws if you must!" I exclaim. "This tug-of war is good for you, and for your baby! Your struggles just shows how very much you love this baby. What a lucky baby you have!"