Being a Good Mother

They are very round!

That’s what I always think when I’m teaching my class, “Understanding Your Newborn,” to twenty very pregnant ladies and their husbands. It’s such a fun class. Parents-to-be are very motivated. They absorb information like sponges .

Mary Lou, a 32 years-old, is expecting her first baby. She had an appointment to see me right after the class. She came to hear about our well-child program and how I could care for her baby when he came.

Though relieved to know that this support was available, Mary Lou still looked troubled. She asked, “One more question: Should I wake the baby up to eat at night, or should I let her sleep?” Mary Lou went on to explain that she had read about the importance of making sure a newborn eats every three hours. “But my friend dressed me down. She has two babies and said, ‘You never wake up a sleeping baby.’ How am I supposed to know what do do?”

Mary Lou looked on the verge of tears. Her strong feelings seemed to be bigger than the question she was asking. Then I “GOT IT!” Mary’s words were actually saying: “Don’t your see? I am worried I won’t be a good mom, maybe not even a good enough mom!”

All new mothers worry that they are not ready for the job. But some worry can actually be the fuel to energize new parents to figure out how to be the parent they need and want to be. Feelings of insecurity are just part of the job description! “Your question, Mary Lou, tells me just what a great mom you will be. You already care so deeply about your baby and only want to do what’s best.” I go on to explain that together we will watch her baby and learn from him what will work best. “Your baby will be your greatest teacher!”

As I prepare to go home this evening, I marvel again that I’m actually paid to do this job! What a joy it is to support people at this important and vulnerable time in their lives. I remind myself again that often my job is not to answer parents' questions but to help them discover the answers themselves. By this process, new parents will discover their own strengths--and learn to trust their own eyes, their own hearts, and their own minds as they grow to understand and care for their newborn!

"I'll Play with my Baby when He can Catch a Ball!"

That's what Jerry, the husband of 28 year-old Elizabeth, said one afternoon at their first pre-natal visit. "All the baby does is eat and sleep that first year anyway, " Jerry explains.

Jerry is not alone in this view of a newborn. A study by Zero-to-Three asked new parents "at what age do you think babies can 'take in the world?" 61% of parents thought that a baby needed to be two- to three-months-old to notice the world around them.

The real truth is good news for you, Jerry (and for Elizabeth too!). Most babies can "play ball" (and actively engage in the world around them) as the tiniest of newborns. But parents need to notice a baby's special ways of approaching this ball game. (See DVD on playing with your newborn.)

Now, at the young family's first post-natal check-up, Jerry holds his newborn, Joey, and gazes intently into his eyes. I almost have to pry little Joey from his daddy's arms. In addition to the routine physical exam, I always love to take time to help parents appreciate some of the amazing capabilities of their baby.

As I hold Joey in front of me his eyes fix on mine. I slowly tilt my head to the side; Joey's eyes follow. As I move a bit more to the left, his eyes drop from my gaze. I hesitate a moment, and then he engages with me again. I'm not worried when I see his eyes jerk a bit as they move. (It will be a few weeks before they move continuously like grown-up's eyes.) "Wow!" Jerry says. "He can really pay attention!"

Then I pick up my little red ball. Joey stares at the ball differently than when he looked at my face It is normal for many babies to be more interested in a face, initially, than in an object. But I just jiggle the ball a second and Joey's eyes start to follow it as I slowly move it. When Joey starts to wiggle around, and his breathing increases, I recognize an SOS (Sign of Over-Stimulation). I hold his little hands gently against his chest, and his eyes immediately look intently at the ball again. Now he follows its movement from one side to the other.

"Yep! Like I thought," Jerry declares to all. "He's a star ball player already! It's my turn to play ball with him now!"

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© HUG Your Baby 2009

Understanding your Baby’s Abilities

"Do you think my baby is retarded?" the mother of four-week-old Jeffrey asked.

I was surprised by her question. Jeffrey was born full term with no complications at birth. He was bright and alert, nursed immediately, and had regained his birth weight in only ten days.
Why do you ask?" I inquired.

"Because he just lies there!" Mom replied. She went on to explain that the other day she was playing in the living room with Jeffrey's four-year-old sister. Jeffrey awoke from his nap and began to cry. Mom called out to him as she put the Hi Ho Cheerios back in the box. "When I got to him, he was just lying there staring out the window."

Since babies can be our greatest teachers, I wanted to watch Jeffrey closely to find clues to understanding the behavior that worried his mom. Mom undressed her baby, and I began his check up. His eyes were fine, his heart was strong, and all other body parts were in working order! After I checked his hips he started to cry.

Instead of picking him up immediately, I began comforting measures one step at a time to see what really works for him. I leaned over Jeffrey and called his name softly for about ten seconds. To Mom's surprise, Jeffrey stopped crying as soon as he heard my voice.

He is so smart,'" I said, "that right now he calmed down by just hearing my voice. That must be what happened the other day when you called his name ."
Wow! He's not retarded." Mom said, "He is gifted and talented!!"

All babies will at times need lots of their parent's help to calm down. But occasionally try calming your baby with this step-wise approach:
1. Call his name softly.
2. Hold his hands against his chest.
3. Pick him up in a cuddle.
4. Give him something to suck.
5. Swaddle him.

This step-wise approach will help you learn what works best for your baby, and you will appreciate even more how very special your baby is! See video clips at http://www.hugyourbaby.com/calming.html for tips on calming a baby.

Put on a Happy Face

I met Terry for the first time when he was a mere four pounds, a healthy boy born a month early. He's now a curly-headed, four-month-old, who glows when he smiles.

When he was brought in for his four-month-old visit by his mother, Susan, I recalled a recent study I had read about babies this age. The article described a technique that is used to explore a baby's ability to tune in to the feelings of those around him. Terry's mom loves to learn all she can about her baby, so she was eager to try this experiment with me.

Mom sat on a stool in front of me and held her baby upright on her lap. I was standing behind Terry's mom, where I could clearly see Terry's face but not his mother's. I then asked Susan to make one of three faces: a sad face, a mad face, or a happy face. Susan smiled broadly at Terry. One look at his beaming face and I guessed correctly that Mom had on a happy face. A few seconds later Terry's lips moved downward in what I guessed correctly was an imitation of his mom's sad face. Then Terry's eyebrows went up and he almost blanched as his face grew stern when his mother put on her mad face, a face he rarely saw.

Both of us laughed at how quick a baby was to sense and respond to the moods around him. I was reminded once again why happy families have happy babies, and how sadness and anger within a family will change the affect of a baby as well.

Mom later told me that she showed her eight-year-old daughter this "trick." How proud her daughter was to show off her brother's "talent" to friends and neighbors alike!

What "Zone" is your baby in?

"I never know what's gonna happen next. She seems asleep, so I lie her down...and she wakes up. She seems hungry, so I put her on the breast...and she falls asleep. She looks like she wants to play, so I grab her favorite rattle...and she spaces out," sighs Leigh, mother of three-week-old Zoe. "She's always in the wrong zone at the wrong time as best I can tell!"

There are three primary newborn "Zones" (often called "states" in medical literature): The Resting Zone (the sleeping zone), The Ready Zone (ready to play or ready to eat zone), and The Rebooting Zone (the fussing and crying zone.) Because the newborn brain is still developing, babies can flow easily and rather unpredictably from one zone to another. Over the next few weeks you will be better able to tell what "Zone" your baby is in and what she needs and wants.

For now, begin to watch for clues for what "Zone" your baby is in. (See the video clip at http://www.hugyourbaby.com/skills.html) You can help a baby get to the Resting Zone by swaddling her, giving a pacifier, swaying her gently, or singing softly. You can help him to the Ready Zone to eat by undressing him and letting him have a few normal newborn startles. You can help her in the Rebooting Zone by following some of the steps I discussed in posts on this blog about calming and crying.

Leigh watches her baby carefully over a few days and grows to see how Zoe moves from one Zone to another. In addition, she practices the techniques I desctibe to help Zoe get where she needs to go. Recognizing these Zones and understanding her daughter's unique rhythms give Leigh more confidence. "I'm tuned in to her now and am discovering my own zone as her Mom!"

Babies send out an SOS

Madeline had done her homework. She knew that cow's milk is best for cows and breastmilk is best for babies. She was determined to breastfeed even after delivering twins. David was a six-pounder who seemed to have read the breastfeeding manual before his birth! A gentle stroke on the side of his mouth elicited a lovely rooting reflex. Madeline waited for him to open wide then she got the nipple into his mouth. In only a few days, David was nursing well, producing lots of pees and poops and dozing off nicely while his sister took her turn to feed.

Sara was a different story. At five pounds she seemed more fragile and more easily over-stimulated. Like her brother, Sara was eager to feed. But she seemed to get confused by her own activity. Her rooting reflect elicited a quick and energetic turning to the side. She would get red in the face and her breathing would pick up pace. Then she would startle as her mother attempted to get her to the breast. Her outside arm would swing out wildly and then she would start jiggling the nipple in her mouth as if she couldn't imagine what in the world she was supposed to do with it.

"Get a grip!" Madeline exclaimed as Sara demonstrated her eating style to me at her one-week-old weight check.

Sara's behavior is a classic example of a baby "Sending out an SOS" (Sign of Over-Stimulation.) Changes in her body--more pale or red skin, fast or choppy breathing, and increasing jerks or tremors of the arms or legs--can be a call for help. (http://www.hugyourbaby.com/skills.html)
"She just can't multi-task," I explained. She is talking with her body and saying, "I can't do two things at one time: control my body and learn and how to nurse."

Madeline learned how to watch for Sara's SOSs and how to respond to them. Sara nursed best if swaddled firmly. Sometimes she would need to suck a paci or her mom's finger a minute until her SOSs decreased. A gentle sway would both calm her down and help her wake up to eat. Mom's sensitivity to her daughter's body language helped both her and Sara learn how to nurse effectively.

Now Sara weighs 12 pounds and her brother 13. They are thriving on Mom's milk, and Mom is thriving on them!